Since this is my blog, I guess I can take one page to talk about my great heartache. Maybe if I "talk" about it "out loud" some of the pressure will leak off my heart, and the tears will quit flowing like a river from my eyes.
When Jerry and I got married, we each had been divorced, and we each had a young daughter. My daughter was 5 and his daughter was 2. I had always loved kids and wanted to have at least four of my own. Jerry decided he never wanted any more kids because it would be just horrible if I left him like his first wife did. I agreed. So, we have only the two daughters. Unusual in a blended marriage, but I fell head-over-heels in love with his daughter. So, so cute with blonde hair and giant blue sad eyes that just begged you to hold her and love her -- and I did. My daughter, on the other hand, was the total opposite. She came out of the womb wanting to be all grown up. She never crawled. She walked at seven months. She didn't want to drink out of a bottle -- she wanted to drink out of a cup. Never used a passifier. Didn't want to wear diapers. Wanted to dress herself, feed herself and do everything herself. So when his daughter came along, I was so thrilled to have a BABY girl that wanted to be a baby.
His daughter was afraid of EVERYTHING: the dark, strangers, fireworks, clowns, noises, dirt on her clothes ... We used to go to this Mexican restaurant when she was little. It was called Casa Bonita. It was a big, popular place with lots of people and lots of kids. They had an employee who dressed up as a monkey. The monkey would walk around from room to room entertaining the children. The monkey had big pockets full of balloons and candy and coupons. The kids all loved the monkey and would get up out of their chairs and run over to see him. NOT Jerry's daughter. She would crawl down off the bench and hide under the table and break into the most blood-curdling, high pitched SCREAM, that not only was the monkey scared, all the people turned and stared at us to see what we were doing to this innocent little darling. Jerry would have to pull her up off the floor under the table and take her outside. The monkey would leave. My daughter, of course, would follow the monkey home if we would let her.
Well, through all these growing up years and our regular weekend visitations, Jerry was a very busy Pharmacist and I worked full time as a secretary to the owner of an oil company. We owned two pharmacies, about 30 miles apart. Jerry was home weekends in those days though, so we always spent time with the girls. We went to the lake most weekends and camped out. I felt like Jerry spent lots of time with them while still running his businesses. I always had more time than he did though, so I was much more involved in the day-to-day routine of raising kids. That's a Mother's job, isn't it? Well, his daughter always felt neglected by him. She felt like I did everything, and he just came along for the ride. That wasn't true, but I guess she saw it that way. Jerry isn't a gushy, mushy type person, and he has a VERY one-track-at-a-time type of mind. So unless something is on fire, crying or leaving, he doesn't really notice it. His first wife couldn't deal with that -- I have learned to. I decided it was much better to be alone a lot and be able to pay the bills, than to have your husband chasing you around the bedroom all the time but never being able to keep a job. Well, my first husband had a part-time job I didn't know about -- selling drugs. It landed him in jail and us in divorce court.
So to hurry through the last 40 years up to today, we have not seen Jerry's daughter or her two kids for over three years even though they live only 75 miles away from us. Jerry figures if she wants to see him, she will let him know. She figures if her Dad wants to see her, he will call. So nobody sees anybody.... and I cry all the time because I think it is terrible. I, of course, would call her, email her, write her, visit her alone -- but she doesn't want ME -- she wants HIM. He just doesn't get it. I try to tell her that he doesn't get it, but she thinks I'm just a mean old witch that keeps them apart. THAT is what breaks my heart because I have tried so very hard to keep them together all these years. When I decided to GIVE UP doing that, the relationship ended all together.
So now you know why our Christmases are so sad and why I cry the entire season. Jerry works 10 to 12 hours a day -- 7 days a week -- so he isn't even aware of holidays. Just work days to him. AND -- this is the very important thing that his daughter does not get -- Jerry has a one-track mind. As long as work is on his mind, there is no room for worries whether his daughter wants to see him or not. If she was to call and ask him to come -- then she would move right up to Track #1, but she just does not see it that way though I have tried many times to explain it to her.
Last night, Jerry and I are sitting in our recliners at 8 PM. I am playing Scrabble on my Ipad with Laurie while Jerry looks through all the movies. Jerry hears his phone making a noise from downstairs on his desk, and he goes down to see who is calling. A call at that hour could be about his Mom. He sees that it is a text message from his daughter asking for his email address. How weird is that? He says he will send it to her later. I say, "NO!" "You need to call her." So he does. She tells him she wants his email address so she can send him a LETTER. A letter????? That sure is strange. She never, ever writes him letters. He continues to talk to her and ask her how she is and how the kids are. She tells him they are moving to California in just a few weeks. They have a bought a home in San Diego -- they have sold their home -- and they are packing up to go. I can sort of hear parts of the conversation, and I am somehow, miraculously keeping my mouth shut -- but my eyes just won't behave. The floodgates opened, and I have been crying ever since. The conversation ended with her telling him to check his email and read her letter and think about it and get back to her.
Okay. If it had been me -- I would have dashed downstairs and sat in front of that computer until the letter came. Not Jerry. The track switched quickly back to "find a movie", and we watched an old Michael Douglas movie. Then we went to bed -- but not to sleep. Even he stayed awake until almost 2 AM, and that is very, very unusual for him. He usually falls asleep before his head hits the pillow. I was awake until 1 AM going through every moment of the past and all the times I held her and protected her and prayed for her and talked to her and ........ He says he was trying to figure out what to say to her.
Finally, this morning came. Jerry went into his office and looked for the email. The email was there, but he couldn't open the letter. He had to email her, and then she sent it again some other way, and he finally got the letter. By that time, I was getting out of the shower with the tear shower still coming down my face, and I had told him I was leaving for our other house. Somehow, being away from him helps me not think about her so much -- I guess because when I'm with him, I just want to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it. He doesn't want to talk at all about it. He always says the same thing, "She knows my number. If she wants me, all she has to do is call." Then he always says he doesn't know what to say to her that won't make her hang up on him. And she does that.
I am standing at the sink in our bathroom, and Jerry comes in with the letter in his hand. He puts it in front of me and says, "read it". I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read it. I ask him to read it to me. So, choking back tears, Jerry reads the letter.
It starts out something like: I am writing this letter to apologize and ask you to forgive me ............. She goes on about how she has felt rejected by him her whole life, and she thought she had forgiven him in the past, but it was on her heart and she had to get it forgiven and fixed once and for all. (My mini-translation.) I don't have the letter.
Wow! This has been my prayer -- my dream -- my constant meditation. I want to leap up in the air and praise God for a miracle. Then I want to jump in the car and drive to her house and hug her and kiss her and tell her we love her and on and on.
Here is Jerry's response: I will email her a response when I get home from work tonight.
I look at him with one of those "you have GOT to be kidding" looks. He says, "What is that for?" I suggested -- in my very firm way -- that he #1: Was NOT going to write a letter, and #2: was NOT going to wait until after work. I said, "You need to drive to her house -- TODAY -- and talk to her face-to-face and get this resolved before she moves to California and you don't see her again until she is staring down at you in a casket!"
Then he says: Well, I want you to come with me.
I tell him in my MOST convincing voice: She doesn't WANT ME -- she WANTS YOU!!!
He finally sees the light. He says I am right. He says he will leave work early today and drive down to see her.
Here I sit. The tears have stopped. It really does help to "talk" about it. I have been praying for so long for a reconciliation in this matter, and it appears that God has heard my prayers. Even though it doesn't really involve me other than my WANTING to be loved and accepted by her, it is still good that this is happening. How sad though that she now will be so far away.
This will be a very looooooooooooooong day for me. Most fly by so quickly. I pray Jerry can be mushy and gushy over his daughter for this one day. Not easy for him. He is a very strong person emotionally. It takes a LOT to move him. His voice did crack when he was reading her letter, and I think I saw some tears. I wish she could know what a great man he is.
I better get something done now that I can see. Thank you, Lord, for always working in the background.