Well, That Didn't Go Well!

2nd post today.  What a roller coaster ride -- although a rather sloooooooooooooow roller coaster ride.

We were glad that Tuesday at 9:30 FINALLY arrived.  We drove up in front of the office building that is covered with mirrored windows.  It has been there next to Baptist Hospital as long as I can remember, and evidently, since the beginning of time.  The outside wasn't that awful, but the minute we walked through the turning door, I thought, "Oh, YUK!"  It smelled old and musty, and there were areas that looked like they were under construction -- or needed to be, but had been forgotten.  The carpet was old.  We got in the elevator to go up to the 8th floor.  I prayed the elevator would stop at the right floor and the door would open!  There was no ceiling at the top of the elevator!

It opened and we stepped out into another ancient hallway with old office doors up and down the way.  We walked around two corners to find the right "old door", and we walked in.  There were about 25 chairs inside all lined up with backs against the 4 walls.  EVERY single chair had a black adult sitting in it!  No white people, no Chinese people, no Indian people, no Hispanic people.  Not really a problem.  It just struck me as odd.  We walked up to the window to see a girl behind it.  She was standing where we could see her whole body, and she was dressed as though she might have come in from working in the garage.  Not at all professional, is my point.

Jerry introduced himself to her while signing his name on the list.  The lady said, "The doctor isn't here.  He is in surgery, and I don't know WHEN he will be back."  Then she asked if we wanted to come back later.  We asked what time.  She said, "Why don't you TRY 11:30?"  "Do you want to come back or not?"

Jerry looked at me, and I looked at him, and we practically ran out the door!

I then got on the phone to the ER we were at Friday.  The doctor had told us to please call if we had any problems, so I did.  After many attempts to get through -- a long hold -- a disconnect -- calling again and again, I finally found out there was a spleen surgeon on call in the ER today.  Her name was Teresa something.  I asked if they couldn't direct Dr. Teresa to Jerry's Cat Scan.  I was talking to Amy, and she said she would do that.  She said they would call us back.  That was 10 AM this morning.  Nobody has called.

We went from the old doctor building to the Integris Hospice House where Mom was moved to last night.

WHAT A PLEASANT experience that was, and what a TOTAL DIFFERENCE in building and staff.  A lovely place.  I had called last night and requested that they get Mom out of the rag she was wearing at Baptist and put her in something nice.  They had put her in a real pretty cotton gown, and they had combed her hair and bathed her.  She was very peaceful.  When I talked to her, she opened her eyes.  Jerry's x-wife, Jeannie, was there and had been for about 30 minutes.  She said Mom never opened her eyes for her.  That made me feel like Mom might like hearing my voice.  Most people don't, but she might.
 (-;

We started talking about funeral arrangements and who was going to make them, and me being SO STUPID about situations like this, blurted out something about what kind of casket we wanted for her.  Jerry looked at me like he was going to knock my block off.  Jeannie did her usual non-response (picture a person completely opposite of my personality) and suggested we go into the common area to talk.  Jeannie, by the way, is Jerry's first wife.  She and I were friends way back then, and she actually introduced me to him.  We have all always gotten along.  Jerry's Mom adores Jeannie, and Jeannie adores her, so I think of her as Jerry's sister, even though she isn't.

I am NOT good at grief or sudden changes.  I'm such an open book, and I just say what I think, much to my dismay at times.  I know Mom can hear us.  She just can't respond.  I don't know WHY I didn't think about that.  The good thing is Mom doesn't remember anything longer than a second, so it is okay.  We left the room and no more was said in her presence.

I would love to go back and sit with Mom right now, but I feel like I should stay here with Jerry who is working as though nothing in our lives has changed in the least.  I'm so glad he can though.  All the loose ends he can tie up now will help me later.

I'm sort of making a new knit top, but my heart isn't really in it.  I haven't slept well for the last 4 nights, and it is catching up with me.

My mind likes to think of every single minute detail of what COULD happen, and what SHOULD happen and how I'm going to MAKE it happen, and what if I CAN'T make it happen, and on and on and on and on.....  I need to do this, and I need to do that, and I hope I don't forget to do this ......

Jerry doesn't eat now.  He eats oatmeal for breakfast.  He eats chicken noodle soup and bread for lunch or he drinks Ensure Plus.  Same for dinner.  That's it.  Everything else hurts because it makes his stomach expand, and since it is squished under the huge spleen, it hurts.  That is no big deal except for the fact that I'm not cooking because it would be just for me, so I'm living on soup and bread myself.  I would cook, but it wouldn't be fair to Jerry.

While we were at the Hospice House making plans for Mom, Tammy texted me that she knew a good surgeon that uses Mercy Hospital.  Mercy Hospital is right across the street from the Hospice House, so that will be very handy.  His name is Dr. Ellis.  Tammy got us an appointment with him for next Monday.  I talked to the receptionist later though, and I got the appointment moved up to this Thursday at 3:00.

Now we wait -- some more.  Fortunately, Jerry isn't hurting much.  He feels great, and he can work at his desk.

I'm TRYING to remain calm.  I'm not good at waiting, but as long as Jerry seems okay, I will behave.

This wouldn't be as difficult if Jerry's Mom wasn't about to ascend with the angels to her new home in Heaven.  Jerry wants to be involved in all of that, of course.  It is hard for me not to be in charge of all that too, but I know Jeannie and Aunt Betty Jane will do just fine.

I better get.  Think I'll go finish that blouse.



Hugs, Joy